FLAVOR FLAV AND KAREEM WALK INTO A BAR

So, I was sitting at the bar at LAX, waiting for a plane or something, and up walks none other than the great FLAVOR FLAV! He orders a Courvoisier, and the bartender IDs him. Now, this was a couple of years ago but my man Flav is at least 49, and there is no doubt whatsoever that this is the legendary Public Enemy Timekeeper. So I walked over to him, snapping pictures with my camera phone, and asked, "Hey man, what the hell does it say on your ID?" His reply, "It says what the hell ever happened to asking permission before taking pictures of a dude?" Being the unapologetic stargazer that I am I immediately went into ass kissing/groveling mode, telling him what a huge fan I am and about the time I waited in a Tijuana club until 4am to see Public Enemy, back in the days when going to see a rap group was considered somewhat dangerous.My prostrating turned Flav around pretty quick and he promised to come back later and pose for a pic. I figured that was the end of that and went back to my seat. The business woman who was sitting next to me asked who that was and I said, " ahhh... Flavor Flav!" So I watched the rap star bounce around the lounge for a while, he was with some dude and acouple of porn star/stripper types and about 15 minutes later he comes over with his road dog and asks if I still want that picture, and of course I did! Now, if I can only remember where I put that pic.....
So, a week later I was in the San Diego airport, catching a flight or something, and who do I see sitting slumped in a chair with a baseball hat pulled down over his face? That's right, the great KAREEM ABDUL JABBAR! Now, I'm fresh off my brush with greatness that was Flavor Flav in the LAX cocktail lounge, so I start veering my way over towards Mr.Jabbar, full of confidence in my ability to converse with celebrity, camera phone in hand, stupid half drunk smile on face and Kareem shoots me this look that, unmistakeably says,"If you take one more step in my direction I'm going to take you like a Magic Johnson outlet pass and sky hook you over onto the next runway asshole! That's one pic I won't have to bother looking for.

If You Have a Five Year Old Child With a Red Mohawk, You Are An Idiot.

I'm not sure what the specific reason is for you wanting to do somthing like this but it's probably a) your parents never let you have a red mohawk and you are still bitter, so you are an idiot. b)You want your 5 year old child to think of you as one of his best friends, and you couldn't bring yourself to dissapoint him by saying no to the mohawk request, so you are an idiot. c) You think it looks good so you are an idiot. d) You think it makes you look good, so you are an idiot.
Many years ago, when I was young and might have had,or at least might have had friends who had, a red mohawk, the hairstyle was a statement.If you had, or if, God forbid, your five year old child had a red mohawk, the statement was that there was somthing wrong with you, that you just don't give a fuck, that you are part of a group of people who don't give a fuck, that you are a badass who knows that wearing a red mohawk is going to bring you regular beatings and that you are ready and willing to take those beatings rather than cut your hair to avoid said beatings.During these beatings, parts of you were broken, blood flowed, and hopefully, some of these chickenshit motherfuckers, who would never confront you alone, spilled some blood of their own. It was a statement, thats why it wasn't just an unusuall hairstyle, but it was also FUCKING RED!
Todays red mohawk on a five year old at the amusment park is also a statement, the statement is, MY PARENT IS A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!

So, it was a long and wierd week. Now to preface this post I feel the need to state that I believe that the sun and the moon have a significant impact on living things on Earth.Personally, I tend to notice a huge energy buildup in June leading up to the summer solstice, and then a schechy kind of falling off of energy in the weeks following.Whether or not this affects others is beyond me but it definately affects my perception.Regardless,this is what I saw this week on my way to work.On sunday morning,around 6:00am I was driving up a rural mountian road when a man in another car came down the other way hanging out the window waving his arms in the universal "slow down!" fashion.So,figuering there was probably an accident-or a cop-around the corner,I slowed way down,drove over the ridge,around the curve,noticed a car on the side of the road, some debris in the road,and a man,stomping around in the middle of the road.When he saw my car he stopped dead in his tracks,turned to face me,raised his rifle and pointed it straight at my head.He was probably about 50 feet away so I had some time to think.What I thought was,"This crazy motherfucker is going to kill me!" Oh, and by the way, he had a sword too. A sword.So I flipped it into reverse,spun the tires all the way back up the hill while ducking down and peering out the back window.I thought I heard gunshots but it was probably my car getting ready to throw a rod from doing 9800 rpm up the hill in reverse.At the top of the hill I tried to stop another car from going down but they blew past me.I pulled infront of the next car comming down(it must have been a peculiar sight, seeing a car swerving up the hill in reverse in the oppisite lane) I rolled down my passenger side window and yelled STOP!!!!!the guy rolled his window down and I screammed"ther's a guy with a gun in the middle of the road down there!" He replied "What the FUCK! Do you have a cell phone? call 911"I said FUCK THAT YOU CALL 911 I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUTA HERE!" I did call 911 on my way outa there and I was an hour late for work and freaking out when I got there.So that was sunday.On Tuesday I was driving the same route and I was behind 2 cars who were behind a big rig trailor truck, and the cars were piling up behind me, so the guy in the truck decides to pull over to let the cars pass and instead of waiting untill there is a safe place to pull over, he pulls over to the side of the road, and then right off the side of the road and down a 100 foot embankment.Smooth move exlax! Six cars and trucks full of consruction workers and one cook pull over and run,while dialling 911,over to the accident.Three of us ran down the hill and found two guys,unharmmed,and really pissed that they just wrecked there truck and probably lost their jobs.The truck was spewing black smoke and looked like the wrecked 815 flight from lost and I thought it was going to either blow up or roll down over us at any minuite so I got the hell out of there and went to work.
I need a day off.

And Yet,They Still Love The Queen

How the fuck did England have so much influence? The countries and territories that were
at one time, or still are, considered part of the British Empire--Canada, Newfoundland,
The Thirteen Colonies,
Florida, Bermuda, Bahamas, British Honduras, Mosquito Coast, Barbados, Trinidad & Tobago,
British Guiana, The Falkland Islands, British Antartica Territory, Cayman Island, Jamaica,
St. Kitts & Nevis, Montserrat, Grenada, Turks & Caicos, British Virgin Island, Anguilla,
Antigua & Barbuda, Dominica, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Georgia & the
South Sandwich Islands, South Africa, Basutoland, Swaziland, Tristan da Cunha, South-West
Africa, Bechuanaland, Mauritius, S.Rhodesia, St.Helena, Nyasaland, North Rhodesia, British
Indian ocean Territory, Zanzibar, Tanganyika, Seychelles, Ascension Islands, Kenya, Uganda,
Sudan, Cameroons, The Gold Coast, Sierra Leone, Gambia, Nigeria, The Maldives,
British Somaliland, Egypt, Malta, Gibraltar, Minorca, Ireland, BRITAIN, Heligoland,
Ionian Island, Cyprus/Akrotiri & Dhekelia, Palestine, Jordan, Iraq, Kuwait, Bahrain,
Qatar, UAE, Oman, Aden, Socotra, India, Ceylon, Burma, Malaya, Singapore, Weihai,
Hong Kong, Brunei, British North Borneo, Sarawak, Papua New Guinea, Soloman Islands,
Kiribati, Nauru, Tuvalu, Fiji, Vanuatu, Western Samoa, Tonga, New Zealand, Pitcairn,and if
anybody in any of these countries ever fucked up and broke the law? Australia.
Now,
that's a good chunk of the world, and England is a pretty small country.If I lived in
England today, working as, say, an accountant, I would be pretty pissed off that my
Monarchy somehow managed to let 20% of the world slip through their hands while I'm
sitting here eating bubbles and squeek and cold tea before running down to the tube
to aviod being late for work.
And yet, they still love the Queen.

IPhone, Don't Get Me Started