If You Have a Five Year Old Child With a Red Mohawk, You Are An Idiot.

I'm not sure what the specific reason is for you wanting to do somthing like this but it's probably a) your parents never let you have a red mohawk and you are still bitter, so you are an idiot. b)You want your 5 year old child to think of you as one of his best friends, and you couldn't bring yourself to dissapoint him by saying no to the mohawk request, so you are an idiot. c) You think it looks good so you are an idiot. d) You think it makes you look good, so you are an idiot.
Many years ago, when I was young and might have had,or at least might have had friends who had, a red mohawk, the hairstyle was a statement.If you had, or if, God forbid, your five year old child had a red mohawk, the statement was that there was somthing wrong with you, that you just don't give a fuck, that you are part of a group of people who don't give a fuck, that you are a badass who knows that wearing a red mohawk is going to bring you regular beatings and that you are ready and willing to take those beatings rather than cut your hair to avoid said beatings.During these beatings, parts of you were broken, blood flowed, and hopefully, some of these chickenshit motherfuckers, who would never confront you alone, spilled some blood of their own. It was a statement, thats why it wasn't just an unusuall hairstyle, but it was also FUCKING RED!
Todays red mohawk on a five year old at the amusment park is also a statement, the statement is, MY PARENT IS A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!

So, it was a long and wierd week. Now to preface this post I feel the need to state that I believe that the sun and the moon have a significant impact on living things on Earth.Personally, I tend to notice a huge energy buildup in June leading up to the summer solstice, and then a schechy kind of falling off of energy in the weeks following.Whether or not this affects others is beyond me but it definately affects my perception.Regardless,this is what I saw this week on my way to work.On sunday morning,around 6:00am I was driving up a rural mountian road when a man in another car came down the other way hanging out the window waving his arms in the universal "slow down!" fashion.So,figuering there was probably an accident-or a cop-around the corner,I slowed way down,drove over the ridge,around the curve,noticed a car on the side of the road, some debris in the road,and a man,stomping around in the middle of the road.When he saw my car he stopped dead in his tracks,turned to face me,raised his rifle and pointed it straight at my head.He was probably about 50 feet away so I had some time to think.What I thought was,"This crazy motherfucker is going to kill me!" Oh, and by the way, he had a sword too. A sword.So I flipped it into reverse,spun the tires all the way back up the hill while ducking down and peering out the back window.I thought I heard gunshots but it was probably my car getting ready to throw a rod from doing 9800 rpm up the hill in reverse.At the top of the hill I tried to stop another car from going down but they blew past me.I pulled infront of the next car comming down(it must have been a peculiar sight, seeing a car swerving up the hill in reverse in the oppisite lane) I rolled down my passenger side window and yelled STOP!!!!!the guy rolled his window down and I screammed"ther's a guy with a gun in the middle of the road down there!" He replied "What the FUCK! Do you have a cell phone? call 911"I said FUCK THAT YOU CALL 911 I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUTA HERE!" I did call 911 on my way outa there and I was an hour late for work and freaking out when I got there.So that was sunday.On Tuesday I was driving the same route and I was behind 2 cars who were behind a big rig trailor truck, and the cars were piling up behind me, so the guy in the truck decides to pull over to let the cars pass and instead of waiting untill there is a safe place to pull over, he pulls over to the side of the road, and then right off the side of the road and down a 100 foot embankment.Smooth move exlax! Six cars and trucks full of consruction workers and one cook pull over and run,while dialling 911,over to the accident.Three of us ran down the hill and found two guys,unharmmed,and really pissed that they just wrecked there truck and probably lost their jobs.The truck was spewing black smoke and looked like the wrecked 815 flight from lost and I thought it was going to either blow up or roll down over us at any minuite so I got the hell out of there and went to work.
I need a day off.

And Yet,They Still Love The Queen

How the fuck did England have so much influence? The countries and territories that were
at one time, or still are, considered part of the British Empire--Canada, Newfoundland,
The Thirteen Colonies,
Florida, Bermuda, Bahamas, British Honduras, Mosquito Coast, Barbados, Trinidad & Tobago,
British Guiana, The Falkland Islands, British Antartica Territory, Cayman Island, Jamaica,
St. Kitts & Nevis, Montserrat, Grenada, Turks & Caicos, British Virgin Island, Anguilla,
Antigua & Barbuda, Dominica, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Georgia & the
South Sandwich Islands, South Africa, Basutoland, Swaziland, Tristan da Cunha, South-West
Africa, Bechuanaland, Mauritius, S.Rhodesia, St.Helena, Nyasaland, North Rhodesia, British
Indian ocean Territory, Zanzibar, Tanganyika, Seychelles, Ascension Islands, Kenya, Uganda,
Sudan, Cameroons, The Gold Coast, Sierra Leone, Gambia, Nigeria, The Maldives,
British Somaliland, Egypt, Malta, Gibraltar, Minorca, Ireland, BRITAIN, Heligoland,
Ionian Island, Cyprus/Akrotiri & Dhekelia, Palestine, Jordan, Iraq, Kuwait, Bahrain,
Qatar, UAE, Oman, Aden, Socotra, India, Ceylon, Burma, Malaya, Singapore, Weihai,
Hong Kong, Brunei, British North Borneo, Sarawak, Papua New Guinea, Soloman Islands,
Kiribati, Nauru, Tuvalu, Fiji, Vanuatu, Western Samoa, Tonga, New Zealand, Pitcairn,and if
anybody in any of these countries ever fucked up and broke the law? Australia.
Now,
that's a good chunk of the world, and England is a pretty small country.If I lived in
England today, working as, say, an accountant, I would be pretty pissed off that my
Monarchy somehow managed to let 20% of the world slip through their hands while I'm
sitting here eating bubbles and squeek and cold tea before running down to the tube
to aviod being late for work.
And yet, they still love the Queen.

IPhone, Don't Get Me Started

Mao/Jobs

CHINA-1981

I was talking with a woman I work with about some time she spent in China working for the American Institute for Foreign Studies in the early 80's.
She described China,The Peoples Republic of China,the way it was then, as a Communist Country, in the Cold War sense of the term,everybody,
rode bicycles, one child policies,old people doing Tai Chi in the parks,everybody wearing Mao Jackets.OK Mao Jackets.The population of China in
1981 was over a Billion people, that's a thousand million to you and me.How the fuck do you get a BILLION people to wear the same fucking coat every
fucking day!!?Is this even conceivable today?Were the youth of 1980 China secretly wearing those Led Zeppelin The Song Remains The Same Swan Song
T-Shirts underneath the Mao Suits?Or were they allowed to wear checker print vans with the Mao Suits?I guess I could see one generation of Chinese
wearing the same thing,but,everybody!?How the fuck do you get a country of over a billion people on the same page like that?The fact that I was
alive to see something like this is pretty remarkable.The thought of Americans being unified on anything these days is a radical concept,let
alone dressing alike.
But then I glanced outside where I noticed two teenagers walking by on the sidewalk, they were both wearing Led Zeppelin The Song Remains The Same
Swan Song T-Shirts,checkered print Vans, identically colored Ipods with identical earbuds, while texting each other on their identical IPhone 4gs.
Steve Jobs and Chairman Mao would have been proud.

New Rule: If you are crossing the street while talking on a cellphone, I get to run you over and kill you with impunity.

It's not my fault if you decide to walk out into the middle of the street without deciding to first check to make sure there isn't a 3,000 pound hunk of metal bearing down on you, being driven by some total moron who's texting his bro about last night while trying to light a smoke. See that hard white stuff over there next to the buildings? That's called a sidewalk, people walk on that and typically cars do not drive there and when they do they will generally yield to you. Now, look over there, see that big area that's colored black and has motorized vehicles moving around on it? That part is called a street.If you should decide to walk around in the street for some reason it would be in your best interest TO NOT FUCKING WALK IN FRONT OF THE CARS!!! IF YOU DO YOU MIGHT DIEEEE!!! GOT IT? This reminds me, for reasons I'll let you determine, of the time I was at Yosemite and this French Guy just stopped his car in the middle of the parking lot, not in a parking space, blocking traffic, and went into the store, leaving his non English speaking 8 year old son in the car to deal with all the pissed off people who were now stuck in the parking lot. Fortunately dad left the keys in the car and it wasn't long before one of the Ugly Americans had talked little Henri LeBlanc into starting the car and driving it over to an available handicapped spot. Miraculously he made it unscathed and I decided it would be worth my time to stick around and watch what happens when Papa LeBlanc came out of the store with his Half Dome T-shirt and his Yosemite Snow Globe to find that little Henri and the car were not where he left them! I'd tell you what they said but I can't speak French.It was pretty funny regardless.
So,anyway, if you don't want to get hit by a moving car, don't walk in front of one.

Leave Your Fucking Dog at Home

I like animals,I really do, allthough I would have to admit my tollerance for them has lowered since I started having kids( I have a finite amount of love and compassion in my heart and my wife and kids get first dibs).Now,I have to say, I've officially had it up to my goddamn eyebrows with people bringing their stupid fucking dogs to the grocery store, the restaurant, the farmers market, your place of employment, the movie theater, the baseball game, the bathroom, the gym, MY HOUSE!! , the church, the temple, the synogauge, the mosque, the clearing in the forrest where you do your whacked out pagan rituals, etc....
Your dog is not a person, it's not a child, it's a dog.It's an animal.
I don't think it's the cutest thing everah!!! when your little mongrol runs up to me and starts licking me.
I don't want to hear you tell me that he's frendly! and he doesn't bite! teh he!! when your pitbull runs up to me and my three (human) kids at the park.
They are animals. They don't communicate with you,they don't love you, they don't sense it when you are feeling blue, they are just pleased that you chose to keep them alive by feeding and sheltering them.If you stopped doing those things they would bite your foot off to fill their cute little bellies.
If you can't leave your dog at home because little "sprinkles" will chew up the new sofa, then you either invest in some dog obidience classes or you don't buy a new couch, but you don't drag that little monster out into public.
Zack Galifianakis was the forensic pathologist,Davis,on Tru Calling? WOW!! I totally loved that show! Jason Priestley killed as the devil, or, whatever.
So, to summerize,leave your fucking dog at home.